


knock knock jokes about heaven's door are wildly unfunny

by nowhere_blake



Series: codas for the damned and the brokenhearted [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (although that's a given with these two), (not a fix-it though sorry), Angst, Episode: s05e16 Dark Side of the Moon, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Sam blames himself for everything ever, Samulet (Supernatural), Self-Hatred, Shared Heavens (Supernatural), Sibling Incest, Unhealthy Relationships, explanation for why Sam's Heaven is Like That, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25954825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhere_blake/pseuds/nowhere_blake
Summary: Sam can't find it in himself to explain. 'Leaving you is my Heaven,' he doesn't say.Coda to 05x16 Dark Side of the Moon. An explanation for why Sam's side of their Heaven is Like That.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Series: codas for the damned and the brokenhearted [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883758
Comments: 6
Kudos: 67





	knock knock jokes about heaven's door are wildly unfunny

Sam watches him drop the amulet into the trash can by the door. Watches him walk away. He can’t find the words. He doesn’t know how. He doesn’t want to. He’s too afraid Dean will tuck tail and run away (from him) if he realizes. Sam’s too selfish for that. Nothing new there.

‘My Heaven is the way it is, because of you. Leaving you is my Heaven, because I want you happy. I _need_ you happy. And safe. Away from me. Away from the monster that I am becoming, that I've become. The monster that made you want things you shouldn’t. My freak has rubbed off on you. And the only way to stop that is to leave you. So my Heaven, my most content, most peaceful memories, are of leaving you. Because you’re more important to me than my lust. My thirst. My want. Your happiness is more important than my own.’

Apparently not. Because he doesn’t say any of that. Too selfish. Doesn’t want Dean to know. What would be the point. Never managed to leave Dean after all, not properly anyway. He’s always wormed his way back. No matter how many times he’s tried. The guilt, the disgust, the self-loathing he feels, none of it was ever enough to leave Dean for good. But in Heaven he’s not selfish. He can feel the relief flood through him. He can almost believe that he’ll leave Dean and never look back. Give Dean a chance at happiness, without him. So he doesn’t have to take care of his freak little brother, so he’s not dragged down by him, not poisoned and corrupted by the monster that Sam is.

But - and this is the whole point - Sam  _ is _ a monster. So he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t explain. He’s too selfish for that. Has always been. He was too selfish when he leaned across a dirty motel table the very first time - still so young, shorter than Dean, barely a teenager yet, but already rotten inside - and pressed his lips to Dean’s. He was too selfish when Dean asked if he should stop - and Sam knows he would have - the first time he finally managed to convince him this was all he wanted, told Dean it didn’t matter if it was sick or wrong, because he knew Dean couldn’t say no to him. He was too selfish when Dean turned up at Stanford and told him to come and find Dad, too selfish when Jess wasn’t there to distract him anymore. He was too selfish when Dean called him to meet and said they’ll be okay, that he was sorry, that they could try and stop the Apocalypse together.

He is too selfish now, climbing into Dean’s bed in yet another dark motel room, and despite everything that’s happened, Dean lets him, because it’s too late now, Sam’s freak has soaked into his skin, Sam’s poison has made its way into his heart. Sam holds him tighter and hates the monster inside himself. He is too selfish, because Heaven might be the most peaceful he’s ever felt - and he might go to Hell for this - but staying between Dean’s arms, is all the monster inside of him has ever wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are love, but if you can't find it in yourself to write words and stuff, that's okay too, just send me good vibes <3
> 
> say hi on tumblr if you fancy [ @princessconsuelapark](https://princessconsuelapark.tumblr.com/) 💕
> 
> buy me a [coffee](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/nowhereblake) if you feel like ☕


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